Once Upon a Time … How to Facilitate Change in Others
Once upon a time … all stories began that way. At least around
my house. “Tell me a story,” I would beg my mother, or my
grandmother, and they would sit back, with a twinkle in their
eye, often pulling me into their lap, and begin … “Once upon a
time.” [sigh]
Key to the experience, there was no eye contact. I sat beside
them, or on their lap, or they were lying down beside me at
bedtime, or driving the car. It wasn’t an in-your-face
experience. This is part of it. Part of what? Let me tell you a
story first, and then I’ll tell you about telling stories.
So settle back, close your eyes, and let’s begin …
Once upon a time there was a wise and powerful king who had two
vassals. One, Sir Rodrick, was known for being stingy and mean.
The king sent him out on a task. He was to travel the kingdom
and find one good person.
Sir Rodrick returned after many days saying in all the kingdom
he hadn’t been able to find one good person. He said he had
found some who did some things that appeared to be good, but it
was an illusion, and underneath they were all selfish and
wicked. As to a truly good person, there were none.
Next, the king sent Sir Roland out on a mission. Sir Roland was
known for his generosity and love for his people. His task was
to travel the kingdom and find one bad person.
Sir Roland failed as well. He returned many days later saying in
all the kingdom he had not been able to find one bad person. He
had found some who inadvertently went astray, temporarily, but
underneath they were all good and kind. As to a truly bad
person, there were none.
AND THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS …
What do I have to say about this story? Not a thing. Anything I
say would damage it for you. It speaks for itself, and it speaks
to you in its own way, and that’s the way good stories are. The
ones that begin with “once upon a time…”
MYTH, METAPHOR & MAGIC
In a fascinating article called “Myth, Metaphor and Magic,”
Patrice Guillaume explores the power of the Three Ms as related
to the functions of the left and right brain. Our left
hemisphere is analytical, logical and linear; it sees the trees
and not the forest. Our right hemisphere is highly specialized
to manage complex relationships, patterns, configurations and
structures; it cannot see the trees for the forest. The two
hemispheres function well together, and not so well alone.
Here’s how different they are. In research with individuals
who’ve lost the function of one hemisphere or the other, it’s
been discovered that when told to “match’ a picture of a cake,
the left hemisphere will match it functionally - choosing a
spoon or a fork. The right hemisphere will match it according to
appearance - choosing something with the same shape, such as a
hat.
SPLIT BRAIN RESEARCH
In their book “Left Brain Right Brain,” Michael Gazzaniga and
Joseph LeDoux draw the conclusion that the major task of the
left hemisphere (our “verbal self”) is to construct a reality
based on our actual behavior. The left brain doesn’t always know
why we’re doing something. “It is as if the verbal self looks
out and sees what the person is doing, and from that knowledge
it interprets a reality.”
So, somewhat simplified, you could say our behaviors originate
in the right brain, while our left brain is left to justify our
actions. I’m sure you know the feeling of trying to explain
something you did, when you really haven’t a clue!
Now, follow this line of reasoning: IF our behavior originates
in the right brain (and is only explained intellectually in the
left);
AND we want to change someone’s behavior (as a parent, coach or
therapist, for instance) or change our own;
THEN why not save our selves some trouble and talk to the right
brain, not the left brain.
Makes perfect sense. But … if the right brain doesn’t use words,
how do we communicate with it? The answer is …
ANALOGIC COMMUNICATION
Analogic communication includes figurative language, puns,
jokes, metaphor, poetry, art, music, ambiguities and allusions
as well as non-verbal communication, such as posture, gestures,
facial expressions, voice inflection, tone of voice, and the
sequence, rhythm and cadence of the words themselves.
It’s descriptive, the stuff of myth, metaphor, dreams and “once
upon a time” type stories.
In a way that’s hard to explain, because “explaining” is what
the left brain does, information take into the right hemispheres
has far more effect on behavior. It’s the way to “reach”
someone, to “touch” them. Intuitively we know this.
Along with this is the NOT-IN-YOUR-FACE experience. When we get
in someone’s face - literally and figuratively - the guard of
the Other goes up. Down comes the reflector shield, and up come
the defenses. We turn off and tune out. When a story is
delivered, without the intimidation of eye contact, the effect
is different.
DOES IT WORK?
Want someone to get up and help you clean house? Try playing a
march by John Philip Sousa. Go here:
http://www.laurasmidiheaven.com/Patriotic.shtml and play “Stars
and Stripes Forever.” Oh yes! (My son and I used to clean house
to this when he was a preschooler. Not a problem.)
THE MESSAGE
One of the important things about myths and stories is that the
person brings to it his or her own experience. Most of the
fairytales, folklore and parables we’ve passed down through the
ages are dense with meaning we can’t quite put our finger on. It
doesn’t matter; we still ‘get’ them. I’ve never heard someone
say, “What does that mean?” after such a story. More typically
they are lost in thought, off in their own world which has been
deeply touched. Consider for instance the fairytale of “The Poor
Little Match Girl.” I’ve heard this interpreted as a feminist
warning against inaction. The child is alone and freezing to
death, huddled in a corner, with only matches to burn to keep
herself warm.
Eventually she uses them all up and an angel arrives to take her
off to heaven. She has frozen to death. The feminist
interpretation is that it’s a warning against, I guess, staying
at home barefoot and pregnant.
Whatever someone else’s interpretation, here’s how I took it as
a child:
I compared myself to the little girl in the story. I knew I was
well cared for, smart, strong and brave. I felt sorry for the
poor little match girl who must’ve been beautiful (as all
fairytale children are beautiful), but had been left alone in
the world without the resources she needed and I had. I wanted
to help her and people like her and knew that I could and would.
Instead of thinking “why isn’t she doing something?” or “what
could she have done?” or even “I would’ve done this and this,” I
was thinking, “I’ll never be in that position myself, and I know
how to help others who are.”
What some readers interpret as a dire warning against inaction,
I took as inspiration - an affirmation of my resourcefulness,
and a call to action. I was the Big Sister, after all,
accustomed to comforting and caring for my younger siblings. It
was no big deal to me.
I also felt that since I (or some other helpful person) hadn’t
been there to help her, how nice it was to know that when she
died, she was carried off to heaven in the loving arms of an
angel. If not love and comfort in one plane, then love and
comfort in another. What a warm, wonderful world. Yes, I was
that kind of kid, and yes, I remember those reactions clearly,
though they were many decades ago. We bring to the story what we
have to bring to it, and we take away with us what we need to
take away with us.
USE IT
If you are very clever, you can learn to construct stories to
fit your needs in communication. They can be as short as a
metaphor or a simile — “You’re badgering me,” or “You act like
there’s no tomorrow,” or “You were my knight in shining armor,
darling,” or “Sorry, but I’m taking off the red shoes.”
And when you so, use that special tone of voice, the once that
gets into the right brain. Don’t know what it is? Let me teach
you. But don’t mistake this for manipulation. It isn’t like
hypnotism, either. You can’t control another person, nor is it
nice to try, and this isn’t designed to do it. Rather, it pulls
on what’s already there, and what the person is inclined toward
in the first place, or it wouldn’t be happening.
Consider it more like saying something without the barriers and
obstacles your own left-brain puts out in your own path that
fogs your communication. Communication is a two-way street. You
can also use the many myths and stories already out there.
Classic myths have endured for a reason; they talk about human
nature and the challenges we have faced since time immemorial
that transcend time, gender, age and culture. “Cinderella,” for
instance, is very good for little girls who have mothers who
make them do things they don’t want to. Several different
cultures have Cinderella-type stories, because every little girl
has a wicked stepmother, yes?
I, on the other hand, had most of my conflicts with me dad, and
my favorite fairytale was “The Twelve Dancing Princesses.” You
know, the one where the girls get locked up in their rooms every
night by their FATHER, the king, but sneak out to go dancing
[wink wink] and where at the end, the handsome soldier chooses
the ELDEST SISTER to be his bride, not the baby [wink wink].
APPLICATIONS
If you’re a coach, therapist, teacher, manager, or even a
partner in a relationship, consider using myth, metaphor and
magic to communicate. If you’ve been around the block a few
thousand times, you know that in-your-face doesn’t work. In
fact, “You can talk till you’re blue in the face …” Words -
left-brain type words - don’t work. Try something different.
Studying The EQ Foundation Course© (see my website) can help
you, and is taught from a right-brained standpoint.
One last thing before you leave. Take a look at this brain candy
produced by The International Association of Intercultural
Education: www.bigmyth.com . Then ponder it (right brain), don’t
think about it (left brain).
